New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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