I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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