hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
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The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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