This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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