This is not my ceiling
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
