Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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