he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
