So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So vagazzling was a success
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
