Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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