hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
