Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
