I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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