first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
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