when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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