i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
