she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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