And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My cat gives me a boner
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
