i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?