I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.