i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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