If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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