remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He has the fingertips of a God
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