Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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