Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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