I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
