I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I pour the whiskey from now on
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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