Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
