Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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