I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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