dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
