What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
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i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
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Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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