Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
