Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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