Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
