my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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