You're my little dorito
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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