Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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