Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
