I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
be right there i have to get my cape
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.