i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
