We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
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Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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