I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
