I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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