I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Are we still banned from the library?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
