so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
