I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
