I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
