gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
