He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
