well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
