her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
