there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
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