Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
