you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
