Little spoons don't ask big questions
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
