Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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